Thirty-Four Thoughts on Turning Thirty-Four

H&M sweater
Sezane jeans
Zara sandals (similar)
Ace & Tate sunglasses (similar)
Amazon bag (similar)
Madewell rings
Delphine Pariente ring
Location: The Manitoba Legislature – Winnipeg, Manitoba

Birthdays are a funny thing. I usually like to celebrate mine quietly, somewhere far from home, and avoid as much fanfare as I possibly can. I turned thirty-four yesterday while on vacation in Athens. Thirty-four is not exactly a milestone or a momentous age, but it is, admittedly an age that I never gave much thought to reaching – so I thought it would be fun to share thirty-four reflections (some age-related, some not) in honour of this day, much like I have on birthdays gone by.

1: Ten years ago, when I was twenty-four, I didn’t even own a cell phone. Now, I can’t go an hour without looking at my iPhone. It still shocks me when I think of how much has changed about how we communicate in such a short time. I still prefer face-to-face conversations to the phone. But I hate email, so texting is a lifesaver.

2: Speaking of texting, I am ashamed to admit how often I use “LOL” as a word.

3: It’s been almost a decade since I planned a birthday party for myself – something I did every year growing up. What a wonderful relief. (Nothing caused me more emotional anguish as a teenager than putting together a guest list for my birthday party.)

4: The only part of my birthday parties that I really enjoyed was the cake. But I confess: I rarely eat refined sugar in adulthood, so I don’t even miss it much.

5: My favourite part of my thirties so far is how comfortable I am saying no to anything that doesn’t interest me. Just no. No explanation – because I finally understand that I don’t owe one to anyone. I love that I finally understand that, “No,” is a complete sentence.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can cancel or refuse today.

6: I shop primarily as a coping mechanism – it helps me deal with stress. And I love receiving packages in the mail. Always have. But my attachment to the things I buy is mostly limited. I am shockingly unsentimental about stuff for someone who owns so much of it.

7: But at thirty-four, I understand which of my behaviours is worth the effort of trying to correct, and what habits I will never be able to break. I’ll be a stress shopper for life.

8: I am equally dangerous when I am shopping for a specific item and when I am looking for nothing in particular.

9: I prioritise buying clothes above all else, but I’m happiest in pajamas – if they’re made of silk, even better. There is a distinct possibility that I was a sultan in a past life.

10: Not that I believe in past lives, or anything. I believe in science. (I’ve been an avowed athiest for over twenty years now.)

11: Despite being an avowed athiest, I treat God a bit like a fictional character, and often refer to him in the context of tasks he may or may not have time in his busy schedule to take care of. If he exists, which I don’t believe, I like to think he finds me as hilarious as I do…

12: …because I take absolutely nothing seriously if I don’t have to. Taking things seriously means worrying about outcomes and now that I’m entering my mid-thirties, I understand that worry is above all else a waste of energy that I am unwilling to spare.

13: After all, I take a nap at least once a week as it is. Sometimes once a day. I do not have energy to waste.

14: Being an adult is exhausting.

15: And I wish someone would have told me that the most exhausting part of it is having to figure out what to eat for dinner every single night for the rest of my life.

16: By the time I figure out what I want to eat, my inclination to actually cook it is completely gone.

17: And I’m still a pretty lousy cook, let’s be honest. While I don’t panic and burn everything like I did in junior high home ec, I remain highly distractable. I can work on seven projects at the same time at work, but managing two pots on the stove at one time is beyond my capabilities.

18: Multitasking is overrated, though, really – the more time I spend juggling emails, instant messaging, texts and telephone calls, the more I think that multitasking is just a euphemism for doing more things less well.

19: I am never not thinking about something. My brain has no off switch.

20: As a result, this quote resonates with me on every imaginable level…

“You write so beautifully… the inside of your mind must be a terrible place.”

21: I admit – it’s not a picnic.

22: At thirty-four, I am just starting to get a grasp on my mental health and understand what constitutes an intrusive thought.

23: The good news is, I experience them a lot less now than I did even a couple of years ago – but the bad news is that I’ve dealt with them for a lot of my life without recognising them for what they were. As a result, my perception of certain things, particularly my body, remains pretty skewed.

24: But I’m a work in progress. We all are.

25: And progress is the goal, not perfection.

26: Just don’t tell me that when I am working on my novel. I will probably bite your head off. #perfectionistforlife

27: Maybe it’s because I’m a perfectionist, but I didn’t spend much time imagining what my adult life would be like when I was growing up. I had no vision of my future wedding or family life or career. I think now that this was a form of self-preservation; if I didn’t set specific goals, I wouldn’t feel pressure to achieve them or fear of failing.

28: As a result, I’ve been a little directionless in some areas of my life – my career, especially.

29: But at thirty-four, I can already say that I’ve lived a life of wonderful, unexpected surprises and achieved goals that I never imagined I would set for myself.

30: The best decision I’ve ever made was to stop doing what I thought I was “supposed to do” and just live my life. A lot of those goals I’ve achieved came after that decision.

31: That’s not to say I’ve got it all figured out. I don’t, and anyone who tells you they do is either lying or selling something. “It’s the journey that matters, not the destination,” sounds like a platitude – but the statement holds true when it comes to our lives. Death is the destination, so its how we live that matters.

32: So drink the glass of wine. Eat the cookie. Buy the shoes. Exercise moderation when it makes sense but indulge yourself, too, because indulgence is what makes moderation meaningful.

33: And seriously, when it comes to buying the shoes, exercise moderation at your peril – you never know when they might sell out.

34: I never really imagined myself at thirty-four – but I admit, I love our shoe collection, and I’m excited to see what new pairs this year will bring to it. And what else this year has in store, too.

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