O’Neill bikini top (c/o Bikini Village) (similar)
O’Neill bikini bottom (c/o Bikini Village)
Ace & Tate sunglasses (similar)
Keltie Leanne Designs earrings (c/o)
Real talk: the last time I wore a bikini was a decade ago. This is not an exaggeration. I went to Puerta Plata in the Dominican Republic when I was twenty-one and, afterwards, I renounced two-piece swimsuits. I am not a water baby. At best, my attitude towards beaches resembles indifference. At most, I wear a bathing suit a handful of times a year. The last time I bought a new one, I was twenty-three. It’s black. It’s plain. So I could try to argue that I don’t avoid bikinis. But I know that isn’t true. Why? Because when Bikini Village asked me to style one, my reaction was almost visceral. The thought of putting on a two-piece bathing suit terrified me. I wasn’t anywhere near ready to contemplate being photographed in one.
It took me four months to agree to wear this bikini. In that time, I argued with myself incessantly about stupid things, like if my legs would look too heavy – because no one, not even me, can justify wearing heels with a bathing suit. The campaign is #mybikinstory. If you follow me on instagram, you probably know that. And if you do, you know that I finally realised that, whether I like it or not, this is the way my story goes.
The last time you all saw me in a swimsuit was in 2014. I avoid wearing swimwear if it is at all possible. I hate how I look in bathing suits. I’ve hated how I looked in most clothes my whole life, from what I remember. I’m not looking for compliments, just telling the truth. And the truth is, I contemplated a diet for the first time at age six. I work hard every single day to silence the voice in my head that tells me I will never really look good enough, while simultaneously admonishing myself because I know there are many people who wish they looked like me.
And so I don’t wear swimwear, because if I wear swimwear, then I have to acknowledge that by conventional beauty standards, I’m doing just fine and I know this, but I’m still not satisfied. I would rather not talk about it. I would prefer not to accept that I will likely never have the body I want because this is the only body I get. When I see articles that claim you can achieve a perfect beach body in twelve weeks, I roll my eyes. But I also roll my eyes when I read the now ubiquitous phrase, “How to have a beach body; have a body, go to the beach.” At the heart of this lifelong struggle is the fear that I will never find satisfaction in anything and that the fact that I am never satisfied is somehow my fault.
To use another ubiquitous phrase, the struggle is real. It took a quarter of a year and a lot of convincing, but I finally decided just to give myself a break. It wasn’t easy. Just like my body, I’m not perfect. So I gave myself permission to just be good enough. And yes, I’ve questioned that decision once or twice, but most all, it’s been pretty freeing – if it hadn’t, I wouldn’t be writing this.
I’d love to know – what’s your bikini story?
That suit looks amazing on you! The last time I even wore a swimsuit was probably like 15 years ago and I haven’t owned one for at least 12 years (I just never swim and don’t vacation in beach places). Of course I’ll need to get one now to I can tach Eleanor to swim and take her to classes, etc but it will most definitely have to be a one piece (pregnancy definitely left my mid section as a bit of a disaster zone).
Courtney ~ Sartorial Sidelines
It’s so hard to see our bodies with clarity… because of course, in my eyes, you look amazing!!! Curvy, feminine and just darn gorgeous. But I hear ya, it took me forever to get into a bikini and now (finally) at my old granny age… haha… I’ve embraced my bikini bod and I’m actually/surprisingly very comfortable! Glad to know you’re embracing yours + this bikini is DIVINE by the way! Happy Friday babe! xo
http://www.girlandcloset.com
One the other end of the spectrum, I loved wearing bikinis and bathing suits from a young age. Never had body issues, I picked up my mother’s self confidence of rocking her two piece at the wading pool without shaving her bikini hair. However , after having my second baby that’s when things changed. I had stretch marks I didn’t have before, my breasts sagged from nursing two kids, and I felt super low about my post partum figure. I tried buying a high waisted suit but it still showed my muffin top, and with my separated abdomen (another common yet little discussed topic of pregnancy) people still constantly asked me if I was expecting. Now, 3 weeks post partum with my third child I still feel like I’ll never get my old body back, and I’ve accepted this. I’m not sure if I’ll ever wear a bikini again, I feel those days may be over for me. Or maybe I’ll stop caring a go to the wading pool in a bikini and say f*ck it to the razor as well :). Lovely pictures you do look amazing!
You look absolutely phenomenal my dear. I totally know where you’re coming from though. I am so afraid of being photographed in a bikini. We always tend to compare ourselves with all these standards, when we should just love each other the way we are.
Dora
http://www.adropofindigo.com/
You look gorgeous! I don’t know if it’s comforting or depressing that people who look as great as you still have body hang-ups.
I also bought my first bikini in a long time (eight years in my case) this year too. Since then, I’ve had two kids and stretch marks and loose skin to prove it. I’ve worn it once and have to resist covering up my tummy, but my husband is a fan. So that’s my bikini story.
It’s not about how good you or someone else thinks you look in a bikini (You look NORMAL, just in case you’re wondering).
It’s about how much fun you’re having when wearing a bikini! 🙂
If you find something that is really satisfying to do in a bikini, then I’m sure your body will satisfy for a cause other than to *look pretty*, too 🙂
Cee, you have a great body girl! You look fabulous in that bikini! You have nothing to be ashamed of!
http://www.averysweetblog.com/
“the fear that I will never find satisfaction in anything and that the fact that I am never satisfied is somehow my fault” Yes. That sounds pretty accurate. Being confident in our bodies in clothes can be a challenge, being confident in a bikini – does it exist? Growing up I was never the girl in the bikini, I think I wore one for the first time at 19, and then shortly after that purchased a reasonably modest grey one piece, and clung to it. I ventured to buy another bikini a couple summers ago because I felt this moment of confidence when I tried it on -i t was bra sized and in a lingerie shop (with the price tag to match) but I think I’ve worn it since fewer times than I can count on one hand, still, it’s there.