Trapped in Beige

H&M trench
H&M sweater
Sezane skirt
Mango boots
Celine handbag (similar)
Celine sunglasses
Linjer rings (c/o) (similar)
Location: Saint-Boniface Cathedral – Winnipeg, Manitoba

Lately, I feel trapped in my own aesthetic. Not constantly, but often. I know that sounds absurd. Frankly, it feels absurd. But I think it’s a symptom of a bigger sense of being trapped or stuck. In so many ways, it seems like my life stopped in late 2019 and I’m still waiting for it to start again. It’s been almost three years since we were last in Athens, but it feels, at alternating moments, like three days and three centuries. Yes, life goes on, but the ways in which we mark the passage of time aren’t what they used to be. I’m still adapting to this new, solitary phase of life while simultaneously hoping it will end, because it feels like being on the outside looking in – but nothing is happening inside or outside.

Like I said, I feel trapped. In one moment, I’m annoyed that I can’t put more colour into my instagram feed, but the minute I do add colour, I hate it.  Too often, when I experience an emotion that I can’t resolve, I take it out on my wardrobe. If I’m frustrated, whatever the reason, I look for a solution. In this scenario, changing my sartorial choices seems like a reasonable one. At least in theory. I know, in reality, that it doesn’t make sense to do that.

These are not real problems. I’m not trapped in beige, I’m happy here. When I look in my closet, I love seeing a series of sandy hued pieces punctuated by pops of black and cream. While it’s true that you don’t grow when you’re comfortable, there is plenty of discomfort in other areas of my life – hello, day job – to guarantee that I’m constantly learning, growing and evolving. It’s okay to be comfortable with my closet.

…I just have to remind myself of that sometimes. Not everything needs to change. Evolution in my wardrobe only gives the illusion of real change unless memorable life moments accompany it. Boredom alone is not a reason for change. Boredom-induced changes won’t last. Fashion is fun, but getting dressed is essentially practical. For the most part, pieces that I will have fun wearing one time just aren’t worthy of a place in my wardrobe – there are some notable exceptions, of course, but not many, because realistically, a closet full of fun pieces that don’t make sense in my life are just a source of a different kind of frustration.

It’s not my aesthetic I’m trapped in, it’s my own head. Overthinking, for me, is a symptom of underliving (a term that, yes, I did just invent, thanks for asking.) As the snow melts, the sun comes out and life, to some degree, resumes, I’m hopeful I can get out of it again. That way, I can keep wearing the clothes and colours that I know, deep down, I really love.

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